For the past few years, I’ve been running an Alateen group. For those who have fortunately been spared the need to know about such things, Alanon is a ‘support group’ (for want of a better term) for people whose lives have been affected by alcoholism in a family member or close friend. It is a counterpart 12-step program to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), which is (obviously) for the alcoholic themselves. Alateen is effectively ‘Alanon for teenagers’.
Most of the kids coming to my group have an alcoholic (or addict) parent; for some of them, it’s a sibling. Often, the parents are divorced or separated and the ‘non-alcoholic’ parent drops the child off before going to their own Alanon meeting. Sometimes the alcoholic is in recovery, and drops the child off before going to AA. (The church we meet at has AA, NA, OA, Alanon, and Alateen meetings all running at the same time.) Sometimes the kids are court-ordered (or CPS-ordered) attendees. And on rare occasions, we get a kid who just finds their own way here.
Regardless of who drives them there (physically and/or mentally) the kids are not exactly coming from happy homes, and usually have a family dynamic that is seriously fucked up. (A significant number are living with a grandparent or uncle/aunt because their own parents are in jail, on the streets, or just too drunk/high to care for a child.) Some come for genuine help, some come because their parents or grandparents said they should, and some are just there because it gives them an extra hour-or-so out of the house on a Friday night (which is prime binging time for their ‘qualifier’).
As a Sponsor, I do my best to help them make sense of their situation, understand that it is not their fault, and find a way to still live a life they are comfortable with, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. I may or may not be successful in that (kids stop coming, and I don’t know what happens to them after that), but I like to think I have made a difference in some children’s lives – even if it is just planting seeds of awareness that possibly may not sprout and take root until later in life.
Which brings me to one particular attendee, who I’ll call A. A came from a typical difficult family background, and as a result met the usual ‘troubled child’ clichés: expelled from a couple of schools, did a stint in rehab for drug abuse, and so on – and all in her early teens. She came to my meeting for a couple of months over the past summer, and had gone from a head-on-the-table, uncommunicative, reluctant attendee, to one who actively participated, was committed to making at least some better decisions (by no means relinquishing all her bad habits, but…one step at a time), and positively looked forward to coming to the meeting each week. At the end of the summer, her parent(s?) decided that the best thing for A was to send her to a residential ‘corrective’ school for the upcoming school year. A was extremely unhappy about that, feeling that she was doing better and should be permitted to stay at home and go to ‘regular’ school with her (healthy) friends, and cried through most of her last meeting (which she literally had to beg her parent to let her attend). As she left, A gave me and one of her new friends in the group her new school’s address, and asked us to write to her, so she could “keep with the program”.
And so I did. (If you’re already thinking “Oooh, that wasn’t a good idea!”, you may be a part of my problem here – please read on.) I wrote a couple of letters, telling her to make the most of her situation and not just fail so she could say to her parent(s): “See, I told you this wasn’t the best thing for me!”, to concentrate on herself, and making the right decisions. The usual Sponsor / ‘program’ type stuff. She didn’t write back, but that’s OK – I wasn’t looking for a pen-pal; I just wanted to provide some support and positivity in what I knew was going to be a tough time for her. As an Alateen Sponsor, I want all my kids to do better – be better – and I’ll do what I can to facilitate that. If that is just scribbling a couple of lines of positive thoughts, that’s what I’ll do.
So this week I received a phone call from a man who identified himself as A‘s father, angrily demanding to know why I was writing to his daughter. He already knew why – he was in possession of the two letters I wrote, and on the first one I’d specifically signed it as “Dirk (A‘s Alateen Sponsor, if you’re vetting her correspondence)” because I figured the school would likely review correspondence; I Googled it, and it seems to be that kind of school – one step down from prison. I explained that I was A‘s Alateen Sponsor and that she’d asked me to write to her, but he wasn’t really listening. He just blustered that he thought it was “inappropriate for a grown man to be writing to a teenage girl”, insinuating that there was something suspicious going on.
That brings me to the first thing I take issue with in all of this: Why is it assumed that if an adult is involved with children in some capacity they must be some kind of pedophile? True, there are certainly some bad actors (Larry Nassar and the Boy Scouts are in the news at the moment, and the Catholic Church is never out of it…) but why is that always the first assumption? The father had read my letters (it turns out the ‘students’ at this particular school aren’t allowed any form of contact with the outside world, so my letters just went straight to the parent, unseen by A – which also bothers me as now she likely thinks I have abandoned her too, which certainly isn’t what she needs, right now). And having read my letters, he must have seen I was trying to support his daughter and be a positive influence, helping her stay on the right path. But none of that mattered. Because again, the first – and enduring – assumption is “pedophile”, and there is no discussion that will change that opinion once it has been made.
I explained that I had been through ‘Child Abuse Protection Training’ with the Alanon organization, the church (where the meeting is held), and Boy Scouts (for my own children, when they did that) and have been subjected to multiple background checks as part of the various certification processes, and was acting purely as her Sponsor – effectively a counsellor. Didn’t matter; it was still “inappropriate”. I asked him if he had read anything in my correspondence that was “inappropriate”. He hadn’t. But again, it didn’t matter. He just talked over me, announcing, menacingly “This ends here, or this will end very badly for you!”.
Which brings me to the second thing I take issue with. This man has all the power in this situation. As the parent of a minor he should, but consider the broader picture. All it would take is for this person to make some insinuation about me on social media (he got my phone number from LinkedIn – I could see he viewed my profile just before he called me) and my life would be ruined. No matter that I had done nothing wrong; not even if I was ‘investigated’ and then (inevitably) absolved and exonerated – once something like that is ‘out there’, there is no coming back from it. Again, there are certainly cases where people have been found to be kiddy-fiddlers, and absolutely need to be exposed, punished, and removed from society (and chemically castrated, if I had my way…), but the ease with which an unfounded ‘accusation’ can be made – and made to stick – is worrying – especially when you’re on the end of the threat of that. As a society we are very quick to assume bad about someone, but very slow to accept our assumption was ill-founded and wrong. So I had to listen to the parent’s rantings, and be calm and respectful – even though I felt I was the aggrieved person, and he was being a bigoted asshole – just because he had that power to fuck me over. So I calmly told him I fully respected his decision as a parent (as I should), and assured him I would have no further contact with his daughter (which I won’t).
But it still upsets me. I was (briefly) tempted to just give up being an Alateen Sponsor altogether, with a big “Fuck you! I’m just trying to help your kids, to compensate for you being such a shitty parent!”. I’m being the good person here, so why am I being made to feel like shit? But, in the program we learn to put “principles before personalities”, so I’ll let it go. Maybe the father is the alcoholic in the family and the reason A felt the need to attend Alateen. Maybe he is in denial of the problem – or at least his part in it – and doesn’t like the suggestion that he is. I don’t know. And ultimately I don’t (or shouldn’t) care. I have several other kids coming to my group who I can still (try to) help, and I’m not going to give up on them. Just like I am not going to give up on A – even though I will likely never see or communicate with her ever again.
A – If, when you’re over 18 and emancipated, you look me up so you can bitch me out for abandoning you, and find this article, just know that I haven’t forgotten you. I believe in you, will continue to wish the best for you, and have faith you will find the right path – one way or another. Be the ‘best version of you’ you can be, be honest with yourself, and find a positive role model. I’m just sorry that couldn’t be me.
“When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, let the hand of Alanon and Alateen always be there – and let it begin with me.”
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