I work for a company that prides itself on its safety-conscious attitude. This is generally a good thing, but sometimes they can push it too far. Case in point: I recently had a run-in with one of their over-zealous, self-appointed ‘safety enforcers’. It was about 7am and I was just going into work. I crossed the car park, stepped over the grass verge, and cut across the road to the building. I’d barely reached the other side when a voice behind me boomed “Use the crossing!” Admittedly, the crossing was only 5 meters further up the road, but this is a private road, with a mandatory 5kph speed limit, and there were no cars on it in either direction, so I reasoned I was safe. Whatever. I was in a hurry, so turned and waved to acknowledge my newfound guardian angel, and kept walking. I trotted up the stairs into the building, and walked round to the elevators.
Whilst I was waiting for the elevator to arrive, I saw the same man striding towards me. “It’s for your own safety…” he started. “Here we go”, I thought, as I forced a smile. He continued, “…don’t walk on wet grass, always use the pedestrian crossing, and when you’re using the stairs, never run, and always hold the handrail!” His voice was rising as he trotted out this litany of my failings, until he was virtually shouting the last point. I really couldn’t believe that he found it necessary to publicly harangue me (much to the bemusement of everyone else waiting for the elevator), but I didn’t really have the time for an argument, so I smiled politely, and said “OK, thanks. I’ll bear it in mind”. “Oh, you’ll do more than ‘bear it in mind’!” he snapped. What‽ I was speechless. What exactly did he expect me to do? Go outside again and practice crossing the road until I’d gotten it right? Was I about to be put in detention, or sent to see the CEO of the company to explain my cavalier attitude toward wet grass? Would he take away my upper-storey privileges until I had completed a “Remedial Stair-Climbing” course? Or, worse, would he demand I turn in my Tufty Club card and publicly apologize to the Green Cross Code Man?
This asshole had no idea who I was, yet he saw fit to admonish me as if I were a child! (And how I pity his unfortunate children – should natural selection not have already precluded that.) Unfortunately, I had no idea who he was either, so to avoid risking early termination of my contract, I just replied “Fine. I’ll be sure to follow your instructions to the letter”, and stepped into the elevator, which thankfully arrived in time to save me from any more of this officious prick’s ranting.
Now, if a company trusts its employees to implement and run multi-million dollar systems, why does it not trust them to perform basic tasks, such as crossing the road or walking up a flight of stairs, without hurting themselves? What’s next? Will they start making us write our reports in non-toxic crayon, take away our staplers, and file down the corners of our desks? (Oh, wait, they already did that last one…) The sad part is that I now make a point of using the crossing – not because I fear for my own safety, but because I don’t want to risk the wrath of Mr. Safety again. Because if he has another go at me, there’s a fair chance I’ll bitch-slap him, and that just won’t be worth the ‘safety incident’ paperwork I’ll be obliged to complete…
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