Well, I guess it was inevitable, but I finally earned myself another traffic ticket. This is almost 3 years after my last ticket, which is a personal record, so I guess I can’t complain. But, surprise, surprise, it wasn’t for speeding! Which itself is a minor miracle, as I was going 85 mph as I passed the copper who pulled me over…
In my defense, I was actually just trying to put a bit of distance between me and the asshole who seemed determined to have his truck mount my car and produce a mini. Though to be fair to him, his road rage was largely because I had cut him up a few minutes earlier. But in my defense again, that was a simple mistake on an unfamiliar stretch of road, where I nipped round him in the fast lane, only to discover that the lanes immediately merged, and I had to squeeze in front of him. Which he really didn’t like. So he alternated between driving about 2 inches off my bumper, and driving alongside me, where he could gesticulate wildly and shout what I assume was obscenities – although I couldn’t really hear anything over the sound of what was apparently a 20L, super-turbo-hemi, big-dick engine squeezed into a stock Dodge Ram… I did try waving back apologetically, but I think he thought I was flipping him off, as that just seemed to make him angrier. He looked like he was thinking about side-swiping me, so when the traffic opened up again, I just floored it and pulled way ahead of him (the advantage of a lighter car and a lead foot…). Hell, this is Texas, where they say half of drivers have a loaded gun in their car (and I’m not one of them) so you can’t be too careful… Unfortunately I was so busy watching him getting smaller in my rearview that I didn’t notice the police car in the next lane until I was just about level with him.
I slammed my breaks on, and dropped to below the 65 limit, but it was too late. He dogged me for about 1/4 of a mile, before flipping his lights on, and shepherding me onto the hard shoulder. Much to the amusement of the guy in the truck, who was pissing himself laughing as he passed us. By the time the officer had walked up to my window, I had my license and insurance ready, and started into my explanation above. He patiently let me finish explaining/apologizing, then said “So the other driver was driving aggressively?” Yes sir. “Well, I understand, but I didn’t pull you over on account of your speed…”. What?? I looked incredulously at him. Maybe being surprised wasn’t the best reaction – like, are you sure? Do you want to re-check? – but I was genuinely surprised, Force of habit, I guess.
It turns out that the reason he pulled me over was because my registration sticker had expired. Which explains why it took him 1/4 mile to pull me over – he was busy checking his on-board computer, where they can pull up all your details: license, insurance coverage, state inspection certificates (you know, all the things they then ask you to show, and then fine you if you can’t, even though they can see in their system that you have them…) and, evidently, registration information. My sticker had actually expired in August (and we’re now in February) so it was a fair cop (never thought I’d be using that phrase over here…). I can’t believe I hadn’t noticed this myself, but clearly it was my oversight, so I just accepted the citation, and was grateful that it wasn’t for speeding, because I don’t think I can stand taking the online Defensive Driving course a 7th time…
However, getting a new registration sticker proved to be more difficult than I expected. As soon as I got home, I logged on to the county website to get a new one, fully prepared to pay the full cost all the way back to August last year. But it turns out that you can’t renew your registration online if you have an outstanding citation. Brilliant. That’s handy, then. The website advises you to call the local county tax office (in the wonderfully bureaucratic Harris County), where a helpful old dear explained that I couldn’t renew it online because there was a fine that they had to calculate on top of the fee, because I was paying it late, and the website couldn’t calculate that. “But I can tell you how much the fine will be, if you like”, she added, helpfully. OK, sure. “It will be an additional $10.” Well that certainly seemed reasonable, considering I was 6 months late… But hold on, I asked, if you already know how much the fine will be, can’t I just pay the whole thing online, registration fee plus the additional $10? “No, sorry”. Well can I pay over the phone while we’re talking? “No.” Can I send in a check, then? “No. You need to go into one of our locations and pay it in person.”
So that is really the punishment here. $10 is neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things, and I don’t have to show any additional paperwork to clear this up, or provide any information that I couldn’t enter online. But I still have to go and mix with the undesirables down at the county tax office, and endure the sloth-like indifference of the government employees there, who are ‘busy’ whiling away their last 40 years to retirement. Which is effectively the real fine, because I had to take a couple of hours off work to do that, and even on minimum wage (which, thank the lord, I’m not) a couple of hours of lost earnings is still more than the $10 penalty.
But then even that is not the end of it. Even after getting my registration squared away and $10 fine paid in The Land That Time Forgot I still had my original citation from getting pulled over, and that comes with its own fine. And not just a nominal $10 fine – this one was $130. And for what?? The tax office is happy with you buying a back-dated registration and paying a very reasonable $10 fine, so what is this additional $130 for? Apparently it’s just to cover the inconvenience of the police pulling me over and printing out a citation on that crappy thermal paper they use. Gee, thanks, Officer Vasquez! The person who took my $10 and gave me my registration sticker at the tax office did point out that the judge may dismiss the citation if I showed that I had now paid my vehicle registration, but that would mean actually going to court, which would mean more oik-mingling, and more time off work, and I really didn’t want to do that, especially if it wasn’t guaranteed that this would get the citation dismissed, and doubly-especially in case the judge recognized me from my last couple of visits and decided to invoke the ‘three strikes’ clause, so I just went online and paid the fine. Which was extremely easy to do – so apparently the police are quite happy to take any amount off you for any purpose, without prejudice, via their website, which is clearly designed to make fleecing you as streamlined as possible, and without taking up their precious time in court…
But on the positive side, I still have my record period of no speeding tickets intact. In fact, I haven’t had a speeding ticket since I traded in my bright yellow Chevy Cavalier for a nondescript ‘meteor’ gray Mazda CX-5, Which confirms my suspicion that most of my tickets were down to my driving a car that is difficult to miss with a radar gun in a pack of speeding cars. Still, as an added precaution, and to see just how long I can keep this streak going, I’ve invested in a new radar detector. Hell, I’ve just moved office and now have a 44 mile each way commute, mostly on the fast, now-open Hwy 99, so I need all the help I can get. If only it was smart enough to let me know when my registration sticker had expired…
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