This year I’m trying to be a better person. Part of this is becoming less intolerant of others. This is going to be really hard, as apparently I have a lot of pent-up frustration and a bit of a temper. So let me try to purge it all in one go, and then I can move on.
- David Guetta: No amount of dry ice and lasers will detract from the fact that you’re just a disc jockey, and only one step away from someone’s leery uncle with a ‘mobile disco’ in his van who does weddings and birthday parties. You’re not a ‘rock star’ so stop trying to act like one.
- Anyone in a rap video: Watch your own video with the sound turned off and you’ll see what dicks you look, with all that arm waving and squatting, and frowning. You don’t look hard – you just look like you’ve been to the bathroom but your arthritis is playing up (which would at least explain why you can’t pull your pants all the way up) and you’re still trying to shake the piss off your hands…
- Advertisers: No-one in real life holds your products between forefinger and thumb, with the brand-name facing out. It looks stupid. Stop it. And why is everyone always stick-thin and smiling? Tell it like it really is: Reese’s, show some 200lb shut-in cramming a dozen Peanut Butter Cups in their mouth with a mixture of satisfaction and self-loathing on their face. Maybe that will stop people from thinking that they won’t get fat if they overdo the candy, because “the person on the advert looks thin, and acne-free, and happy!”. That’s not you! And they probably spit it out and run away for a colon cleanse as soon as the cameras stop rolling, anyway.
- Advertisers (again): Children do not smile and look at you with adoring gratitude when you force them to take medicine, vitamins, or pretty much anything else. And babies will just spit it straight back in your face. Why not show that in your commercials – maybe do a double-feature with Brawny, cleaning up the mess they made when they open their mouths to cry allowing the medicine to stream down their chin… And don’t have the mom (always…) smiling whilst they clean up little Timmy’s throw-up, like it’s the most precious thing their wonderful offspring has ever done. Why not show what really happens? (You may want to get Band-Aid in on it too, in that case…)
- The TV networks: Enough with the reality TV shows. Stupid people do not need their own TV show, and stupid rich people certainly don’t. Stop giving them airtime. We do not need to know what Honey Boo-Boo and her neck-less mother do next. We don’t care. And I’m sure she’ll crop up on
Sixteen And Pregnant in a few years, anyway… - ESPN in particular: Poker is not a sport, so stop broadcasting it. You’re just encouraging fat, talentless people to sit around watching TV, convincing themselves that they’re somehow involved in sport. If it doesn’t make you sweat, it’s not a sport. That goes for ‘hunting’ too. Sitting still until a deer comes to the place where you’ve been putting food every day for the past 2 weeks so you can shoot it in the ass when it’s least expecting it is a pretty shitty thing to do at the best of times; glorifying it on TV is just sick.
- “Morbidly-obese” fat people: It’s not glandular, or your metabolism, or your genes. It’s the fact that you’re double-fisting 1,000-calorie milkshakes while you’re sat in bed. Put down the cream cake and step away from the all-you-can-eat buffet. And don’t park in the Disabled spot just because you’re ‘entitled’ to – try parking a bit further away and walking. The exercise will do you good.
- The ‘servers’ in Freebird’s: Tattoos, gauges, and wearing beanies indoors does not make you a hipster. You’re as much an ‘individual’ as the tool working alongside you. Being a Freebird’s burrito stuffer is no more a ‘cred’ occupation than being a burger-flipper in McDonald’s. Actually, don’t change – you’re proving to be a good negative example to my kids: “You want snakebites?? What, so you can limit your career opportunities to working at Freebird’s or Hot Topic? Not on my college savings, young lady!”
- Staff at Hot Topic: Enough with the “we don’t give a shit” attitude. You’re a shop assistant!; That’s like one step above a bagger at the supermarket! (Although even they could work out that if you’re only buying a postcard you don’t need an extra large plastic bag to haul it away in.) You know why only dumbass kids shop in your store? It’s because anyone with half a brain eventually realizes that crappy customer service isn’t cool or ‘ironic’ – it’s just shit. Your website is shit too. I did hope that shopping online would save me having to stare at your slack-jawed, vacant expression, but your website is just as useless and frustrating. If it had a face I’d slap it, too.
- Houston drivers: It’s just rain…get over it. I thought y’all were tougher than that. Because of your inability to drive in rain/sleet/snow, they closed the schools and my office office too. So I have to stay at home, trying desperately to concentrate on work while three kids run around the house, bored, trying to figure out why the hell they have to stay at home when we can all see out the window that the world hasn’t actually come to an end. Only my patience has.
- People who park their car directly outside the store (or church, bank, etc.) instead of using any of the hundred free parking spaces about 10 yards away: What makes you so frigging special? The fact that you’re driving a truck?? Half of Houston drives a truck – although they don’t all need to jack it up just in case we miss it. Don’t blame me if my shopping trolley ‘accidentally’ scratches up the side of it. You shouldn’t be f’ing parked there!!!
- AT&T: You’re just shit. Period.
OK, I think I’m good, now. I feel much better. Thanks for listening.
Leave a Reply