I don’t really like to say it out loud, but I’ve started going to the gym and working out a bit more regularly. It’s not that I’m embarrassed to be doing so, it’s just that I don’t like to give my body too much advance warning of exercise. I like to surprise myself. I don’t even like to stretch or warm up, in case that gives away my intentions. The way I look at it, if I get mugged, or my GF gets her bag snatched in the street, I’m not going to get much notice of that. And if I want to give chase, I’m certainly not going to be able to say “Hold on, mate, just give me a couple of minutes to stretch and I’ll be after you. And can we take it easy for the first couple of blocks until I’m properly warmed up? Then I’ll give you a run for your (my) money!”. And as my workouts are pretty much to prepare me for such an eventuality, I like to follow a realistic workout scenario. So when I’m going to the gym, I try to trick myself. Maybe tell myself that I’m just going to the smoothie bar, then I’ll casually stroll past the machines, and then when I’m least expecting it, I’ll jump on the elliptical and start pedalling like hell for half an hour. Only half an hour? Sure – if a mugger can outrun me for more than 30 minutes they must be really incentivized, and can keep my damn wallet.
But then, of course, my body is all pissed that I’ve tricked it, and tries to get its own back on my mind by starving it of oxygen and making it think up all this stupid shit. Like why all of the parking spaces closest to the front door of the gym are handicapped spaces. I’m thinking that if you’re so badly handicapped that you can’t cope with the 20 yard walk from regular parking then you’re probably not in much condition to be using a gym at all. Just stay at home, put your feet up; we won’t judge you for it. There must be a dozen disabled parking spaces out there, which is probably 11 more than the gym actually needs, unless they start hosting Special Olympics trials. I’ve only ever seen one of them being used. And that was by some ‘disabled’ heiffer driving their perfectly-able-bodied partner to the gym so they could work out. If the person using the facilities isn’t disabled then you shouldn’t be using disabled parking. On yer bike! Oh wait, you can’t. Because you’re ‘disabled’. Except you’re not. Because chronic obesity is not a disability – it’s a lifestyle choice.
Not that I want to use the closest parking spaces, you understand. I park in the farthest row from the door (just as I do in the work car park). Just so I can get credit for the extra steps on my Fitbit. And maybe a little bit so I can snort derisively at the people who spend ages driving round (or worse, waiting for someone else to leave) trying to get a closer parking space, just so they can save themselves the effort of walking too far before they go inside and work out. By walking on the treadmill. Or pedalling on the stationary bike so slowly that if it was a real bike they would have just fallen over due to lack of momentum. Actually, I think they should allocate parking spaces based on weight: the more weight you need to lose, the farther away you should have to park. It’s a productive incentive system!
Another productive incentive system: set up the machines (treadmill, elliptical, stairmaster, etc.) so that they generate electricity that can be used for charging your phone (or iPad or whatever). That way all those lazy asses who just loll about on the machines watching YouTube videos or checking Facebook will actually have to do some working out if they want to continue doing so. In fact, given the hundred or so machines there, they could probably generate enough electricity to power the building for a couple of hours a day. If they did that, they could probably save enough on their electricity bill to drop the gym fees for everyone by a couple of bucks. Instead, we’re just pounding away and sweating for nothing! But of course everyone’s phone has a battery, so maybe they should use it for controlling access to the WiFi instead: you only get access when your heart rate is above a certain level. Or go one step further – the harder you work out, the faster a connection you’re given. Sprint on the treadmill and you get a gigabyte connection; walk and you’re on 4800-baud dial-up. Make working out work for you! Shit, if I could do that at home I’d have the fittest kids ever!
But of course that would require some kind of communication between the gym equipment and your phone, and that seems to be impossible. Sure, I can connect an iPod to a machine so I can then, what, plug my headphones into the machine instead of into the iPod?? What does that do for me? Some of the machines seem to have a ‘log in’ option, but I have no idea what you’re logging on to. Is it some account at the gym that I don’t have? Or am I just logging on to that machine? And then what happens if I use another machine, or a machine from another manufacturer? Do I need another ID? I already have Endomondo on my phone and a Fitbit on my wrist (both of which do talk to each other) – is it too much to expect the gym equipment to communicate with them? Or any other device I may have – be it a Polar chest strap, or a Garmin thing, or whatever. And to do so wirelessly, without me having to ‘log in’ or do anything too technical. Why can’t I just wave my wrist at the elliptical trainer and it automatically bluetooth to my Fitbit (and from there connect to whatever fitness website I want to use). But nooo, it’s either not available or it is some proprietary software. So I’m left with the machine flashing up a summary of my workout (steps, calories, distance, heart rate) when I finish, but by the time I’ve wiped the sweat from my eyes and managed to focus on the screen, it’s cleared everything and is displaying the ‘Welcome!’ message for the next person… And even if I had managed to read them there’s no way I can remember half a dozen numbers for as long as it takes me to manually enter them into my phone, what with my oxygen-starved brain and all. (And yes, my Fitbit also tells me that information, but it would be nice to be able to check and recalibrate if I need to…). Seriously, the whole arrangement is in need of some decent tech design. But of course, that will never happen, as all the tech nerds who could fix this problem have probably never seen the inside of a gym so don’t even know there is a problem in need of a solution.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to step away from the keyboard for a minute. I think I’m going to go get myself a smoothie from the smoothie bar at the gym. Yes, in my running clothes, but that’s just because I don’t want to spill anything on my regular clothes. And maybe while I’m there I’ll take a quick wander past the workout machines to see if they’ve implemented any of my suggestions yet. But I’m definitely not going to work out while I’m there…
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