2018 is the 40th anniversary of the movie Grease (the cheesy musical starring John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John). I remember going to see this movie at the cinema when it came out. It was a huge phenomena at my school – people were brylcreme-ing their hair, and buying flick-combs, and trying to act all cool with their collars up, and seemingly everyone had the soundtrack album (although no-one played disc 2 which was original songs from the era and not songs from the movie).
If you’ve never seen it, the basic plot is that a guy and a girl have a ‘summer romance’ and are all sweet on each other, but when school starts, and they discover they’re in the same school, things get awkward. Danny is one of the ‘cool’ jocks, and Sandy is all prim and proper, never even had her ears pierced, and so on. Danny can’t betray his buddies so basically ignores Sandy, but secretly wants her, and she still loves him, despite him being a complete asshole.
Long story short, after a lot of 50s style singing and dancing, and more than a little help from her friends, Sandy undergoes a huge makeover that basically transforms her into one of the slutty chicks that Danny’s group of friends likes. This obviously gets Danny’s attention, they get together, and drive off into the sunset (in a car that flies – don’t even get me started on that!).
So, it all ends happily. A great, feel-good love story for the ages, right?
No. No it’s not. I have to confess that pre-adolescent me certainly liked the post-makeover slutty Sandy, with her skin-tight leather pants and push-up bra, over the poodle-skirt and pearls pre-makeover Sandy, but as I’ve thought about this over the years, I’ve grown to realize that this is an absolutely terrible example to set, and Sandy is an absolutely appalling role model for women – or young girls, who are, I assume, the target audience for this movie.
The overarching premise is that the girl has to completely change who she is as a person, just to be what the guy wants her to be. Not just the way she looks, but her entire personality. And this is something that you should never do. If you have to give up who you are just to become what someone else wants you to be, then the relationship is doomed.
Sure, there is always some degree of compromise in a relationship. It is extremely unlikely that you will find a partner who likes everything (and only) what you like, so you may find that you don’t get to eat at your favorite restaurant as often as you’d like, and sometimes you’ll have to hang out with your partner’s friends when you’d rather hang out with your own, but this should be a good-natured give-and-take. If you NEVER get to eat at your favorite restaurant, or you aren’t even allowed to see some of your friends any more, then that’s a problem. And if you have to suppress your dominant personality traits just to make someone else like you – or in some cases, just to allow them to tolerate you – then that is unsustainable in a relationship.
You may wonder how someone would even find themselves in such a relationship. In short, for love (or lust, although the two should never be confused) – either as a misguided way of showing it, or in the hope of receiving it. And people’s willingness to sacrifice their own needs in the name of love never ceases to amaze me. Probably because I’ve been there myself, and I know how easy it is to fall into that trap – of believing that arguing over where to eat is not worth losing your relationship over, or that you really don’t need to see the friends that you have had for years, as long as you have your partner. And, perhaps, sometimes that’s true. But in a relationship of give-and-take, if you are always doing the giving, and the other person is always doing the taking, you need to start taking a long, hard look at things. It may not feel like such a big deal at the time, especially when you’re in the throes of blossoming new love, but over time it will build resentments, and if these aren’t addressed, that’s the beginning of the end.
But here’s a newsflash: it is not your job to make anyone else happy. The best thing you can do if you want to find yourself in a happy, lasting relationship is to be the authentic you. Be someone who makes you happy, and in time a person who likes that version of you (and who, ideally, also likes who they are themselves) will arrive in your life. Don’t go looking for them; just concentrate on being the best you that you can, and the right person will find you when the time is right. And because you’re both happy with who you are, you’re not looking to each other to make you happy, which is a much better basis for a lasting relationship. And even if this person doesn’t appear, at least your’re still happy, just being you.
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