Step on into the light

Recently, for one reason or another, I have found myself attending AlAnon meetings. For the uneducated (of whom I’m envious), AlAnon is not Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), but is a separate, albeit closely-related support group for friends or family members who have had their lives affected by alcoholism. So AA is for the alcoholic, and AlAnon is for the people that the alcoholic has affected. Really, they should have come up with a better name for it, because whereas AA stands for something, AlAnon does not, even though it sounds like it should. Confusingly, the same word – AlAnon – is also used to refer to a ‘member’ of AlAnon (although ‘attendee at AlAnon meetings’ would be a better description, because you don’t get the usual benefits you expect with membership of something, like a membership card and a monthly newsletter – or am I thinking of fan clubs?). But this use of the word AlAnon is even more illogical, because just as attendees at AA meetings stand up and say “Hi, I’m Bob and I’m an alcoholic”, attendees at AlAnon meetings stand up and say “Hi, I’m Bob and I’m an AlAnon” which – to me – is a particularly jarring statement (to the point that my grammatical perfectionism forbids me from uttering it). Actually, they usually say “…I’m a grateful AlAnon” which is at least slightly different from the AA greeting (I’m assuming; I’ve never been to an AA meeting but I very much doubt that they are encouraged to stand up and say “Hi, I’m Bob and I’m a grateful alcoholic”…)

The links to AA go even deeper than the name and the group greeting. They both share the same Serenity Prayer, and are both based upon a ’12-step programme’. Which is all well and good. Having a series of steps is always a good idea if you’re trying to reach a goal that seems impossibly far off, but the AlAnon 12 steps are the exact same steps that you get in the AA 12-step programme. And they don’t always translate that well. Step 1 – “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable” works both for the alcoholic and the affected friend or family member. But then Step 8 is “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all”, when surely it is the alcoholic that has caused harm (which is why the AlAnon member is attending the meetings in the first place). Yet the AlAnon member is still required to adhere to and work through this step in order to progress through the programme. Surely rewording this as “Made a list of the persons who have harmed us through their alcoholism and been willing to forgive them” would be more workable? I don’t know; maybe it’s all part of not wanting the AlAnon member to see themselves as a ‘victim’ , but painting them as the perpetrator also seems wrong. To my mind, a little more forethought into tweaking the wording would have gone a long way to making it all feel a little more relevant. My inner proofreader just wants to rewrite it all for them, but for now I’m biting my tongue (although that could just be gag reflex).

I also take umbrage at the overt bias toward Christianity that AlAnon holds. Not that I have any major beef with Christianity per se, and I know it works for a lot of people – it’s just not for me. The opening remarks in a meeting ask you to “…leave your religion at the door…”. I assume that this means “…leave your particular brand of Christianity at the door…” because references to God are prevalent throughout the meetings and the programme as a whole. The first word of the Serenity Prayer, which is recited by the group at the start of each meeting, is “God”, several steps in the programme refer to God, and the meeting closes with a recital of the Lord’s Prayer. True, they have softened the references in the AlAnon literature a bit by referring to “God as [you] understand him”, but as Buddhism doesn’t really have a God at all, no matter how you look at it, I feel a little lost. Especially at Step 6, which is “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character,” given the Buddhist philosophy of being responsible for your own actions and there being no-one to resolve your problems but yourself. Again, a little more forethought could have made the programme so much more inclusive.

All that said, you can’t really fault the objectives of the programme, and I have to say that I feel am benefiting from it, and am seeing progress and a point to it all. And much as ‘group therapy’ (in fact any type of therapy) is alien to the British psyche, I am actually finding comfort in the support group. Well, maybe comfort is the wrong word, but I have come to appreciate that I’m not the only one going through this; there are plenty of others in the same boat who are more than willing to share their experiences and offer some advice. In fact now I think about it, it’s actually more discomfort that I’m feeling. As I listen to others ‘share’ at the meetings, and read the prescribed books, I find myself thinking “Shit, that’s right, that’s me that is!” Whereas I went in thinking that there was a bit of a problem that I wanted to deal with, I’ve now come to recognize that the problem is much bigger than I had originally thought, and that I was (probably wilfully) unaware of just how deep these things ran. So yes, I’ll keep going back, and I’ll keep working the steps. I’ll even stand up and announce “Hi, my name is Dirk…” – to which everyone always replies “Hi, Doug!”. I think it must be the accent, but it happens with such regularity that I’m thinking of just introducing myself as “Doug” and having done with it. It’s all anonymous, right, so it’s not like it’s going to make much of a difference anyway. Hell, maybe I’ll just adopt an entirely different name for the meetings. Horatio Swagglehorn has a certain ring to it… Or maybe I should just become one of the many “Bob’s” who seem to grace the meetings.

So on balance, it’s a good programme, attended by a nice bunch of people, and there are certainly less beneficial ways to spend an hour or so. It’s also a great place to meet women – or at least it would be if you didn’t know that they’re all emotionally damaged in the base case, so you’re really better off giving them all a wide berth. Anyway, I’d wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone who has similar issues to address. End of community service announcement. “My name’s Horatio, and I’m…ah, I just can’t do it…I’m a grateful AlAnon meeting attendee…”