So last week, coming back from the Black Angels gig, I got pulled over by the police. I shouldn’t be surprised – I seem to average one ticket a year, and I’d made it to December (actually, November 30th) without getting a ticket so it was about time. What was a surprise is that this wasn’t for speeding! (That radar detector I have is turning out to be money well spent.) This ticket was for “failure to signal” when I turned a corner. That’s right. It was for not using my indicators. At half past midnight, at an almost deserted intersection. Talk about spurious. The policeman may as well have ticketed me for “looking at him in a funny way” (old Not The Nine O’Clock News sketch).
This really burns my ass. Firstly, I’m normally very fastidious about indicating – to the point that colleagues laugh at me for indicating to turn into a parking space in the company car park. I just hadn’t indicated on this occasion because I was lost, Downtown after midnight, and was inching round the corner at 5 miles per hour whilst scanning the street names for clues as to where I was. Secondly, I’d estimate some two-thirds of drivers here never indicate – they seem to think that their pickup truck is so big that everyone can see what they’re doing, so there’s no need to advertise. And I’m pretty sure Ford F-150s don’t even come with indicators as standard…
Obviously the Officer couldn’t stop with a single misdemeanor citation. That’d be barely worth putting down his donut for. He went on to ask for my license and proof of insurance (standard procedure on any stop), and of course I didn’t have my insurance details in the car (mainly because I’d just switched to Geico – and halved my premium! – and hadn’t printed off the new certificates yet) so he wrote me up a citation for “failure to establish financial responsibility” as well.
Because I am insured all I had to do to get the citation dismissed was present my proof of insurance at the court sometime before the court date. But just to make you jump through another hoop, you also have to show your ‘proof of registration’ for the car you were driving. This despite the fact that the Officer can see the registration sticker in the windscreen of your car when they pull you over. As luck would have it, the proof of registration for my car was in a shoebox that mysteriously disappeared from my study a couple of weeks ago (I think it was put out for recycling, along with a lot of other paperwork I’ll no doubt realize is vitally important some time in the future…). So I had to trudge down to the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) in my lunch hour to get a copy. Which of course I had to pay for. Plus, the DMV is next door to the local Parole Office, so I had to shoulder my way past the local dregs in my nice work-suit, just to add to the ignominy of it all.
Armed with my paperwork, I went down to the court to get the ticket dismissed. In the one concession to convenience, the court actually stays open until 9:00pm a couple of days a week. I got there at 5:30pm only to be told the judge had “gone to lunch” and would be back at 6:00pm. Great. So I went and sat in my car where I could at least chew gum without risking being in contempt of court (the signs pinned up every 3ft along the courtroom wall also prohibited talking, eating, and even reading the newspaper).
At 6:00pm I went to troop back into the court, but this time I was stopped by an officer who insisted I empty my pockets and walk through a metal detector. “But I was here half an hour ago and didn’t have to do that…” I reasoned. “Yeah but ah was on m’break, then…” she replied. “Okayyy…” I started. I was just about to comment on the ineffectiveness of a control that wasn’t in place 100% of the time (see, working for this company has taught me something!), but wisely thought better of it, so just shut up. But that metal detector must also read minds (I wouldn’t put anything past the police) as the Officer quickly snapped “You got a problem with that??”. She shot me a look that suggested I was about to experience some of that famous Southern police brutality hospitality, so I just replied “No, ma’am. Not at all.”, and scurried inside to line up with my new friends from the Parole Office.
Up in front of the judge (who was as old and doddery as stereotype dictates), I showed my insurance papers, but was dismayed to see that he didn’t even ask to see my proof of registration. So that was money well spent! At least he agreed to dismiss the “failure to establish financial responsibility” citation. Hurrah! But that still left me with the citation for “failure to signal”. I was hoping he’d just dismiss that as not being serious enough to warrant the paperwork, but oh no.  Once they’ve got you, they’re not going to let you go without giving them something. Judge Doody explained that my options were to (a) pay a $173 fine and take a hit on my insurance rates (probably back up to what they were before I switched to Geico); (b) go to trial by jury (!), or (c) take a Driver Safety Course, which would then dismiss the ticket. After taking a moment for deliberation, I plumped for option (c).
With the Driver Safety Course, you need to take six hours of training, and then take a test to prove that you’ve done so (including such ‘gotcha’ questions as “What color car was involved in the accident at the intersection?” to make sure that you don’t skip the course and just take the test). I’ve taken it three times already for other tickets (one speeding, one ‘running’ (at 5mph) a stop sign, and one failure to come to a complete stop when turning right on a red light) and the worst thing that can be said about it is that it chews up six hours of your life. Actually, that’s not the worst part. The worst part is that the Court make you pay $103 just to ‘exercise your right’ to take the course. So you end up paying up just to avoid paying the fine! What a scam! And that doesn’t even include the $40 the course will cost me.
And as a final hoop, when you submit your course certificate to the Court, you also need to present your driving record. Your driving record is held by the police themselves, and – of course! – you have to pay to get a copy of it. Your driving record shows that you have a driving license, and lists all the tickets you have received, or have had dismissed by taking the Driver Safety Course (so much for removing the ticket from your record!). But the police already know all of this! The officer who stopped me was kind enough to give me a summary of my prior tickets and DSC enrolments after he ran my license when he pulled me over in the first place. So you’re having to pay (again) just to get information from the police that you’re then just going to give straight back to them! Ever get the feeling you’ve been had?
By the time it’s all over this citation will have cost me a good couple of hundred dollars. For failure to indicate. Probably the most stupidest, pettiest, nothing offence on the statute books. It’s not like I ran over a nun in a school zone, at 200mph, in a stolen, uninsured car, whilst high on crack, naked. And I still won’t have officially been prosecuted for anything, because everything will have been dismissed! It’s highway robbery, pure and simple. Hey, Officer, can you see this hand-signal‽
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